sponges and jeans

by Serena Barish

I can’t think of the last time that I had a quiet thought

They always feel like they are screaming

Screaming

So loud

That I can't hear

Even when it

is silent

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind

Because everything is slipping through my fingers

And everything is moving

So fast

How could I have time to catch up?

I feel like the tears are so stuck

They can’t fall

And when they do

All I feel is just 

wetness

On my cheek

And hope that no one hears me softly sobbing

Because I am not the one with problems

I am keeping it together

I am keeping it so cool

I am fun and smart and quirky and put together and I am a well put together outfit

I will let others wear me

Because they are more important

I am supposed to be here for them

And I will match the season

Because the season demands that I do

And I will change as I am asked to

And I will stretch with time

But I fear that I may fade too

Because I cannot be the everything

Demanded of myself

I am not fast enough

To catch up

I am supposed to be the sponge

I am not supposed to be the mess

But how long can I keep waiting

To finally be wrung out?

How long can I keep waiting?

I want answers

Not more questions

I want for once

For just one moment

For everything to be simple

I am not just jeans

I am the thighs underneath them

So I should be strong enough to stand on

I should be thunder and lightning

Not a candle burning out

I want to feel at peace

Not just fucking numb

How long can I keep waiting

To not have to close my eyes

To be more than just a sponge