on validation and comparison

by anonymous

so few things actually give us the validation we crave.

my life was once changed by an email i received, one recognizing how i longed to be seen for so long. but that was also an image that i started to want to rid myself of.

on one hand, it felt gratifying to know that the hard work had paid off. that the gruesome months of work actually impacted just one person. and to know that they thought of me as humble through it all confirmed my quiet pride. but shouldn’t i be able to feel that by myself? 

this is the same way i felt after hearing what a few boys thought of me. now what the flying fuck was that? how is it that i felt like more of a treasure than ever after hearing that they thought i was “hot” - there is something so deeply messed up about that. why is it that the the idea of a man looking at me makes me feel complete, makes me feel like i made it?

they all say these up and downs are hormones. yet, i always get a rush when people “hype me up” - which i guess is normal, everybody loves a compliment. but that should never ever be my only source of gratification, of self worth. because it most certainly is not. and yet some part of me is so deeply convinced that i cannot be attractive, or seen as kind and smart without people telling me.

but that isn’t how the world works. it’s much more complex than that. people will think of you, judge you behind your back, the good and the bad. but they won’t tell you what they think. you aren’t entitled to know what they think of you: the good will only boost your ego, unnecessarily, and the bad will only hurt you, they say. because they care… lol.

right now, i am a hypocrite; i write this shit, then post it and get a rush of adrenaline like no other; and when did that start to become a remedy for my lowest moments? writing should be, meditation, movement and health. and yet, this shit fixes it so much quicker, that you become reliant on this instant gratification, this instant validation, that compares to no other. 

you need the academic, social and seductive validation. you crave it. you check who saw it, who liked it, who said what, when and to who - just to fill your barrel of energy, the energy that metabolizes thanks to validation. it gives you the confidence you need to feel free. But it poisons you slowly.