BEB: Crush

by natalie chaudhuri

1.

deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.

"you can crush my heart into a million pieces"

synonyms: squash, squeeze, press, compress

2.

INFORMAL

a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.

“she really did have a crush on all of those people”

synonyms: infatuation, obsession, love, passion, passing fancy

I have a list of names. It’s not a hit list, but I would still consider it painful nonetheless. No, my list is of all the people I’ve had a crush on. The actual list is closer to 30, but here’s a taste of 7, half of 14 for February 14. My friends have told me that my thoughts remind them of To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. To that, I say—great movie, I came up with my letter-writing before watching that, and why couldn’t my have crushes have led to someone as dreamy as Peter Kavinsky?

Dear Georgetown Crush #1,

I thought I was going to find you at NSO. I thought that you were going to be different from any other guy I’d met before, that you would fall in love with me on sight and that you would have the greatest honor known to man: Natalie’s first boyfriend. The only problem? I didn’t muster up the courage to talk to you.

Dear Georgetown Crush #2,

You really showed me what the worst kind of Georgetown boy is. Yep, you with the suit, with the white boy confidence and entitlement that I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to. God forbid, I think you’re even a Trump supporter. But damn—you were hot.

Dear Georgetown Crush #3,

You were the worst. The actual worst. I thought that, after we learned so much about each other on that Uber ride, about your love of art, and my love of activism, you would drop everything to be with me. I thought you were the one.

I thought you didn’t have a girlfriend.

Dear Georgetown Crush #4,

You couldn’t fix everything. But I wasn’t even planning on going out that day,. Yet after walking with you for two hours, I did know you. Learning about your world views and your role models, listening to classical music under the stars in front of the Capitol—you showed me all that Georgetown and DC could have to offer. And even if you couldn’t fix everything, thank you for fixing some.

Dear Georgetown Crush #5,

I thought I was in love with you. It turns out I was, but that sometimes you can have a platonic relationship you love so much you couldn’t imagine it any other way. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I hope I remember that loving you like a friend is still one of the purest loves of them all.

Dear Georgetown Crush #6,

When I think of you, I think of Ariana Grande’s R.E.M.., because boy, you really are a dream I never want to wake up from. I just hope you aren’t a nightmare.

Dear Georgetown Crush #7,

Yes, Natalie, I mean you. I thought that you didn’t deserve all the love and affection I give other people, other guys who aren’t worth any of my pain. But the truth is, your opinion is the one that’s worth the most. It is an honor to have a crush on you, and I hope I can love myself until and even after someone else does.